I have been involved in EMS for the last 22 years. I’ve worked in a number of settings ranging from urban to rural areas in NJ. As many providers have experienced, I’ve seen my fair share of serious patients. I try to justify what I see as some sort of karma, at least for the adults. It’s the kids that bother me the most. Kids should not get sick or injured. At least that’s what I thought. It’s the pedi codes and patients that seem to stick with me. I’ve spoken to other providers, my wife in particular, who say they try and make friends with their “ghosts”. I haven’t been able to do that for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s because then I admit that they were a real person; a son, a daughter, a mother, a father with other people that loved them. I’m at a crossroads right now. Parts of me don’t want anything else to do with the EMS world, while other parts keep telling me that it’s what I’m here to do. Not really sure which one will win out.